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What can you say when the
methane police show up?
This is a story about a West River rancher’s
first encounter with federal methane emission
enforcement agents. The old rancher standing
on his porch raised the brim of his hat with
his forefinger and squinted at the sight of a
federal Suburban pulling into his yard.
“What can I do for you fellows?” he asked as
the agents exited their vehicle.
“Good morning sir. Are the owner of this
farm?” one asked.
“This ain’t no farm son, but it is MY RANCH.
What do you want?”
“Well sir, our remote sensing data indicates
the methane emissions from this RANCH exceed
the limits allowed for an agricultural area of
its size. We are here to remove the source of
the excess emissions.”
“It
appears that you have twelve more ruminants
than is permissible under the guidelines for
methane emission by enteric fermentation.”
“I
know what a ruminant is, but what’s this
fermentation you are talking about?”
“Well sir, as you may know agricultural
sources are allocated nine million metric tons
of methane each year. Enteric fermentation,
or cow burps and flatulence if you will, is a
sub-source, having an allocation of two thirds
of that nine million metric tons. Being the
primary agricultural source, we strictly
enforce it. I’m afraid you must get rid of
twelve ruminants on this ranch.”
“That’s a very interesting theory you have
there about cows. Have you ever heard a cow
pass gas?”
“No, sir. I can’t say that I have.”
“Well son, let me ask you this, since you
federals own or control most of the wetlands
in this country. I hear they produce a lot of
methane. What’s the limit on them?”
“I
don’t believe there is any.”
“What about your burning forests? I hear that
a two-thousand-acre fire produces more than
fifty tons of air pollution. What are the
methane limits on your fires?”
“There aren’t any. But, even if those things
emit more methane than all the ruminants put
together, I am afraid it doesn’t change what
we must do, and it doesn’t solve your
problem.”
“Alright, as they say, ‘you can’t fight the
government.’ You wait right here.”
About an hour later the rancher pulled back
into his yard, got out and opened the gate on
his trailer. “What is this?” the agent
asked. “That, son, is twelve ruminants
removed from my ranch on this date by order of
the federal government. Now, you take those
five elk and seven deer and don’t come back
until government employees are not allowed to
eat beans.”
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