One day God spoke to Noah, and He said, "Noah, in six months I shall make
it rain until the whole earth is covered with water. I want to save a few
good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet, to start
anew, so I am ordering you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for the Ark. "All
right, Lord," said Noah, as he trembled in fear and fumbled with the
blueprints. "Six months," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have that Ark
completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."
Six months passed. The skies began to fill with dark clouds and rain began
to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, frowning as he
gazed up at the impending weather, and that there was no Ark.
A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah, making him jump. "Noah!"
shouted the Lord, "Where is my Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord!" Noah begged. "I did my best. But there were a few
problems. See... First I had to get a building permit for the proposed Ark
construction project, and your plans didn't meet thirty-seven clauses in the
current building code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans."
"Then I got into a big fight with the county over whether or not the Ark
needed a fire sprinkler system. And my neighbors filed complaints, claiming
I
was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a
variance from the city planning commission."
"Then I found I couldn't get enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban
on cutting the forest to save the Spotted Owls. I had to convince the Fish
and Wildlife people that I needed the wood to SAVE the owls. But they
wouldn't let me catch any owls. So I couldn't get any wood OR owls."
"Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone
would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I've got 18 carpenters contracted to go
on the boat, plus a union rep, and still no owls."
"Then I started gathering up the animals, while waiting for the paperwork on
the building, and got sued by six different animal rights groups. Half of
them objected to me taking only two of each kind, the rest objected tome
taking any at all, and they kept sneaking in at night and letting the ones I
had collected free again!"
"Well, just when I got most of the lawsuits dismissed, the EPA notified me
that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact
statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that
they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army
Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them
a globe. Then they tried to tell me I couldn't do any construction on the
proposed wetlands."
"And now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment
Opportunity Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to bring on
board, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying
taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about
owing some kind of usage tax."
"I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five
years," Noah cried as he fell to his knees in despair.
And the Lord waved his hand, and suddenly the sky began to clear, the sun
came out, the drizzle stopped, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah
looked up in amazement. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" he
asked, hopefully.
"No need," The Lord shook his head. "The Government already has!"
